It’s All Relative (Poop)

My husband had friends over last weekend, and one in particular (we’ll call him Snarky) seemed a little on edge. Snarky is anti-social by nature. He reminds me of the Monk. So, when my freshly bathed preschooler ran up to Snarky for a bedtime hug (my preschooler does not discriminate), Snarky refused. He went so far as to cross his arms over his chest, as a means of prevention and protection.

“Kids are germy and gross.” Which yeah, they can be, but come on.

The rest of the crew booed and hissed at Snarky. “Man, that’s cold.”

I chimed in with: “You’re like the Grinch, but in reverse. Your heart just shrunk 4 sizes!”

“Oh, all right…” Snarky relented, and opened his arms a tiny bit, letting my kid give him a hug, but it was one of those awkward pats, you know what I’m talking about… the kind you give someone when you really don’t want to touch them but feel forced to. You pat them on the back a few times for good measure, and then feel the need to shower.

Five minutes later, Snarky was petting my dog, Duke. He had no reservations, but I did. Here were my thoughts while watching the scene in front of me, and what I should have said to him, but didn’t. I was worried he’d go into shock.

Duke is a great dog, but he’s a dog. If you only knew the effort he puts into licking his balls, or his butt hole. Not to mention the times he’s devoured his own puke, or someone else’s, if given half the chance. Once, I caught him eating my cat’s poop from the litter box, clay pellets and all. Lately, he follows me into my son’s room, just hoping for a chance that while I’m cleaning the guinea pig’s cage, turds will fall out onto the floor. He eats them up like candy. I’ve seen this happen on more than one occasion. I can’t remember the last time Duke had a bath. I know, that’s terrible, but I’m only being honest with you. I think it was this month. Maybe last month. You might want to wash your hands. Twice. And for good measure, follow up with a healthy dose of hand sanitizer. Wait… I think I see a guinea pig turd hanging out of his mouth, let me grab a kleenex….”


For today’s workout, I started with an 8 minute ab routine through Fitness Blender, and it was a good one! Finished up with a run on the dreadmill, 5 miles.





13 thoughts on “It’s All Relative (Poop)”

  1. I loved Monk! And still watch re-runs when I catch them. I can so relate to Snarky’s reaction and exactly how hurtful it was for your daughter. My mother passed away and less than six-months later, my father was engaged to a woman in Mississippi. We live in California, and always have. So, when my father took off to live in Miss, he brought Witchie Poo home to meet us. (Witchie Poo is the name my sister and I have given to this horrid woman). I have 2 children and my sister 1, they were all under the age of 7-years-old. They were excited for Grampa and looking forward to having a new Grama. When she walked up to my home the three kids went out to meet her and give her hugs and she reacted the exact same was as Snarky! Putting her hands up in the air and trying to squirm away, knocking the kids about. It was awful, awkward, and extremely hurtful. It was not a good start to the visit. My dad married this woman and now basically has no relationship with his daughters or grandchildren because she won’t allow it. It’s a really a very sad situation. Give your little a big hug from me! 🙂

    Life With Lorelai

      1. Ha! I have to admit, it was a little humorous when I handed my phone to the plumber last Christmas with our flood, so he could talk to my dad… I have their house phone listed in my cell contacts as Witchie Poo… 😉

  2. Some people just don’t warm up to kids, I guess. Gosh once you’re a mom, forget about it, you get used to bodily fluids. But you had me LOL at the dog and all his antics! Ha! When I walk our dog, I have to make sure he doesn’t eat the cat’s buried poop either or putrid dried up dead things the cat left around at some point. BLECH. You should totally tell him 🙂

  3. Oh my gosh, I love Monk. The hubs and I typically have a rerun going on in the background while we’re working on our projects. It’s awesome. I wish you had said that whole thing to Snarky. That is too funny. Oh wait, let me grab a kleenex I think there’s a turd in his mouth. ha ha ha. I’m the opposite of your friend. I will hug any kid. One time I was giving my niece kisses and wound up with a big booger on my lip. Not cool. But hey, it’s just a baby’s booger, nothing lethal. However, dogs, I don’t pet. I usually go oh hey, pat on the head and move them out of my face with my leg. Dogs are cute and all, but I hate slobber, licking, heavy breathing in my face, begging for food, and the weird way my hands feel after I pet them. Most people would say i was a horrible human because of it. Oh well. I do love kids though, so does that make up for it?

    1. LOL!!! I think that more than makes up for it! I know it’s all a matter of preference, but it was just so funny and ironic to me! The bathed baby- gross. Dog who eats guinea pig turds for breakfast? Not gross! LOL!!!

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