I need to set the scene for you. Sorry if I sound like a poor imitation of Sophia (beloved actress Estelle Getty) from the Golden Girls.
Picture it. I’m flying the pseudo-friendly skies (they are no where near as friendly as they used to be- remember when you’d get more than just a small bag of peanuts on a flight?) super early in the morning, heading for my connecting flight to Salt Lake City. I was sitting next to a hot guy. Don’t worry, he was telling me about his gorgeous girlfriend and their furry pet, I was telling him about my handsome husband and my two lovely children. I’ll give you a brief moment to insert the obligatory ooh’s and aah’s.
So, the dude (who looks like he stepped off the set of Jesus Christ Superstar, with his long brown flowing locks)
and I were talking about unsafe neighborhoods. It’s the type of conversation you’d expect from an early morning flight, where neither of us have showered or brushed our teeth. Well, I had showered and brushed my teeth. I don’t think he did, yet somehow he was able to pull that off. Random topics present themselves from out of nowhere, and I was telling him how I’d done a 5K at midnight last year, and the race was in support of making the mean streets of Omaha safer.
This is when it happened. A flight attendant was bringing the drink cart down the tiny aisle, a snooty thing who was at least a decade younger than me. I knew she was snooty, because her nose was tilted a bit in the air, and when she’d ask someone, “What would you like to drink?” it sounded like, “Why am I working the economy class? When I signed up for this job, I specifically said, “FIRST CLASS”. By all means, tell me what you want, and for the love of all that is holy, it better not be Ginger Ale.”
I noticed the snooty flight attendant, but was deep in conversation with Jesus Christ Superstar. I was telling him how awesome the midnight run had been, but those weren’t the words that spilled out of my mouth. What I really said was something like: “The midnight run was F****** awesome.” It slipped out. I have a bit of a potty mouth (ask anyone who knows me) and it just slipped out. Snooty had finished fulfilling another drink order (Ginger Ale) when she whipped her head around to look at me. I’d never seen someone whip their head around so fast, and for someone so young. She had no qualms about putting me in my place, and said, “You. Watch. Your. Language.” She sniffed haughtily and pushed the cart to the next row of travelers.
My immediate reaction was to wait until she’d garner another glance at me, and I’d give her what I give my boys when they are unruly and mean. I’d give her my coveted stink eye look. It reduces my boys to tears, so why not try it with Snooty? I had a feeling it would have no effect on Snooty. I had said a bad word, and needed to be punished and made an example. No one was getting away with foul language on her flight!
Jesus Christ Superstar looked at me and said, “Well, shit.” And we both cracked up. The rest of the flight, we’d occasionally insert a foul word here and there, and glance around to make sure Snooty wasn’t within earshot. I know, it was immature. And really, if anyone else had heard me drop the F bomb (which I doubt they did) were they really so horribly offended? Dammit, I was flying sans the kids and my husband, I was outside of my usual routine (which is taking care of the kids and the husband) and I was letting loose! I wouldn’t be surprised if Snooty is one of those types who puts on a persona, yet in private she’s a friggin’ sailor. Most people I’ve encountered who say they’ve never cussed (or act appalled at it), are usually the ones who cuss when they drop a pickle jar on their toes, or slam their fingers into a door.
Superstar and I said our goodbye’s, and he met up with his sister and brother-in-law, who were also on the flight. They were off to crash a wedding, and I continued on to my hometown, eagerly anticipating a good friend’s wedding that I was blessed enough to be able to attend. Sometimes the planets align for me like that.
Don’t worry, I’ll try my best not to blurt out obscenities this weekend. I don’t want to get kicked out of the wedding.