Filling The Holes

Very blah day today… my ex left Sunday for his 6 month deployment. This could possibly extend to a year. Ben seems OK so far, but I also think it won’t hit  until the weekend comes around, and daddy isn’t around. I worry about those who go on a deployment, but I also worry about the kids left behind. Ben is a tough kid, it’s just a sad situation.

Couldn’t sleep last night either… I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night around 3 in the morning, and not being able to get back to sleep. I still managed to run 3 miles in 30 minutes, but I was really feeling the lack of energy.

I was “talking” (more like messaging) with a friend of mine this morning; her mother recently passed away, and she told me how she feels as though there’s a big hole in her heart right now. I wish there was some way I could help her.

Somehow during our conversation, I got to thinking about my ex. Yesterday he offered up food that was left at his house. He said if we didn’t take it, he’d throw it out. I noticed a lot of my food preferences in his pantry. I realized how in such small ways, you can change something in someone. I know when he and I had first gotten together, I would have never seen him eating that stuff, and there it was, sitting in his pantry, purchased by him. By the same token, he also had introduced me to new things I had never experienced, and those things have stuck, like how I require my whole family to always knock on a plane before entering it when we fly. It’s a superstitious thing, but I even make little Nolan knock with his chubby little hand before we even step foot and are greeted by flight attendants. It’s these little things that stick with us.

It touches me to know that we give little pieces of who we are to each other thru-out our lives. Sometimes, in the smallest of ways, and so many times we don’t even notice them.

I told my friend that when you are a parent, you give so much of yourself to your children. Not just little pieces, but large chunks. I don’t know if that hole in her heart will ever be filled. I think we move on and try to do the best we can with what’s left.

In the meantime, I am going to try my best to help my son, if he feels as though he’s got a hole in his heart.



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