I live for New Year’s Resolutions. In December, I buy myself a new insert for my planner (the past two years, hubby has purchased it for me, as one of my Christmas presents). I immediately write on the front of the inserts “Resolutions For ______” (fill in the blank with the year). And, I write down what I want to accomplish. It kills me if I don’t get the job done. It fills me with angst. And yet I repeat this cycle over and over, every year.
For 2011, my goals were to train for the Omaha marathon. To fix up areas in my home. To blog more, and to blog about my training, so others can follow me if they’d like to, maybe motivating someone to train for something as well. I already have a goal written for 2012, this is how obsessive I get.
I naively wrote down resolutions BEFORE giving birth to Nolan. I assumed I’d be able to still maintain the pace I have since Ben turned 3. I am super woman, I can do it all, right?!? I’ve been sinking into this horrible hell of a hole, called “unfinished goals”. I’ve been going room to room in my house, trying to update little things, or fix certain areas, and I am not well versed in home repair, and have no clue what I’m doing. Which further adds to my frustration, and the hole. And every day I make a to-do list, and on it would be the room I was planning on working in for that day, but Nolan had other plans, as infants often do. More in the hole. Not to mention training for this marathon, and taking care of my two boys, who are in need of different things at the same time, and have no patience or tolerance for my want or need to install a new light fixture above the bathroom sink, or to rustoleum the gold fixtures I find hideous in my house, and had always assumed when we moved in I would have plenty of time for renovations, of course I would! And, did I mention I work practically every weekend unless a holiday falls on the weekend? And any time I have before or after work I want to spend with my children, and my husband.
Dark, deep hole….
This work load may seem lax to some. Others out there might have double or triple what I’ve got, but what gets in the way more than the workload, is the feeling of being a failure when you don’t get something accomplished. Today my oldest has a day off from school, and I had the audacity to ask him earlier this week, “On Monday, would you like to go to some thrift stores?” My hope was in searching for something different for the house, something thrifty. Instead of doing something fun with my kids, I’m now pushing my crap onto them! This is no way to live!
I had to re-organize my priorities in this world. My family has and always will come first for me. There’s no pushing them onto a back burner. I want to be the best mother and spouse I can be, because they deserve nothing less. My running is my lifeline. Without it, I feel lost. That time to myself is nothing short of special. It cleanses me, and prepares me for the day. Fixing up my house? A distant third. I’m really not great at re-decorating, and I’ve been trying to force that, to push myself past my limits, which sometimes can be beneficial, but in this case, very detrimental.
I decided to LET IT GO. To let go of the things that are keeping me from enjoying my day. I’ve taken home renovations off my list of things I want to accomplish this year. I asked my son what he’d like to do today, and we’ll be heading to the library very soon, little Nolan in tow. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, but I managed to squeeze in some running this morning, and it’s helped to give me a little extra energy that I am clearly lacking.
Are you surrounded by and enclosed in your to-do lists? Are you feeling trapped? Like you aren’t getting enough done, or that you’ll fail if you don’t complete something? How important is it, really? Maybe it’s time to re-prioritize what’s important to you, and then anything else… just LET IT GO.