My Mom Screwed Me Up

I think I need to elaborate more on my “Mommy Guilt”.  Most of the behaviors we have in life stem from something linking to our childhood.  That’s common knowledge, a simple two plus two equation.  Parents were our role models.  Often, you will see a good behavior and want to mimic that; other times, if it’s negative, you can go one of two ways: you either mimic, or you don’t.

I know, that’s like hearing there’s a 50/50 chance that it will rain today, right?  I mean, in essence, every day there’s a 50/50 chance that SOMETHING will happen.

This can extend out to your surroundings, other relatives, friends, etc.  But, it all begins with parenthood.  How’s that for added pressure?
Both my sister and I are struggling with being the “supreme parent”.  We want to do it all.  We want to be all to our children, because growing up, we went without.  Many times, young girls look to their mothers for guidance, and we had none.  We lived in an apartment filled with filth and garbage.  Dishes sat in the sink collecting mold.  Mom had cats, and the cats would piss and shit all over the carpet, and it would never get cleaned.  She’s have parties and invite all the neighbors.  These parties consisted of illegal drugs and booze. Our front door was never locked, because she didn’t want anyone to feel they couldn’t just come in whenever they felt like it.  We were the party apartment.
Most of the time, I’d escape and wander the apartment complex with other friends.  We were roughly eight years old.  How many of us would allow our young children to go wandering late at night, with no supervision?  I can’t even imagine letting Ben do something like that!
There’s more to this story, but I will spare you the details.  The point is, I saw how my mother behaved, and I swore even at a young age that when I had children, I would do the exact opposite.  I would spend time with my kids.  I would keep the house clean.  I didn’t know though, that once I had a child, it would kick start something inside me that almost resembles obsessive compulsive disorder. If I don’t get something done in a timely manner, I feel guilty.  If I want to spend time doing something other than spending time with my son, I feel bad.  If the house needs cleaned, I can’t do anything else until it’s done.
I work very hard at not going overboard.  I don’t want my son to grow up with his own issues of dependence, because I didn’t teach him independence.
And I know that overall, he’s going to come out a little scathed, because we all come out a little scathed.  No one is perfect.  You do the best you can with what you’ve got and pray it all turns out in the end.
It’s definitely a work in progress….

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